solitaires in my head

i don't know if this'll sound brilliantor anything.. but .. i don't mean it to.. the only purpos i am creating this entry is because i feel like writing something at the moment.. (because if don't.. i mght blow up to a million pieces.) i hate the gender thing of this wprld.. it's so fucked up.. who the hell ever said that boys should only fall for girls? i mean.. if you're banking on the theory of procreation.. well..  a big HELLO?! tp you.. in case you don't notice.. most sexual intercourses happen because people just want to get laid! where the hell does procreation come in? matter of fact.. people have sex to have fun! so why should be that limited to heteroexual sex? imean.. it's all bull shit.. to thin of it that way.. besides the theory of procreation.. there's no other principle to support heterosexualitry.. it's almost you can conclude that the exclusivity of human sex to heterosexuality is socailly constructed..and that bull shit is one of the easiest things to debunk! i mean.. come on.. YOU GOTTA BE MORE INTELLIGENT THAN THAT.. by the way.. i'm drunk.. sabi ni kuya.. hehehe..

blogging used to be a therapy.. but lately.. i'm needing it lessr and lesser.. it seems that i am cured.. of what? hmm.. of angst, anxiety, loneliness, paranoia, bitterness.. all those things that are a threat to my sanity.. but.. i don't feel too good about this.. it seems that the more i become "sane" the less i become a human being.. feelings become less important.. that's how things appear to be.. sala sa init sala sa lamig! i think i need a new theraphy.. something that has the opposite effect of self-expression.. self-repression? hehe.. we never really are contented with what we have.. tama si 'kiko'..

sometimes.. yoou just feel so crappy about evrything.. and along with it.. i sometimes think that it'll oall go away once i have someone to love me.. but.. getting there is so much harder than just living with what exists now.. and it's getting to the point that i wonder if it's all worth the hassle.. sometimes.. it feels so right.. loving.. falling.. then again.. sometimes.. it feels like it's the stupidest thing anyone can do.. and it's all full of shit.. life.. i can't wat for this life to be over.. but i can't just let go.. cause i am not sure if there's anything after this one.. or if there is.. if it's any better let alone different from what exists now.. hay.. sigh.. too much thinking again.. then again.. maybe too little thinking.. hah! what's the difference? it all ends in frustration and confusion anyway.. times like this.. i think apathy ad inaction are the greatest luxuries of the world.. times like this.. i forget my pondering of what i have to do with humanity.. the monstrosity we do to this planet.. to each other.. talk about being the stewards of creation and the rational animal.. hehe.. peace out!

sometimes i just feel angry with the most pathetic reasons.. and most of the time.. i feel sorry for the people who have to deal with me.. but right now.. i wish they'd just all go to hell.. argoasf;gnasf'ph et

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it's pretty hard enough, being gay, on it's own..

but if you have to deal with hiding your sexual preference and trying to maintain respect.. it all gets a notch harder.. sad.. i wish it'll all be over soon.. i'm getting tired.. hay..

Pakiramdam ko’y ako’y isang puta. Hindi ko nga pinapagamit ang aking laman, subalit ang aking katawan, kasama na ang aking buong pagkatao ay paulit-ulit na gingamit na parausan ng sama ng loob, labasan ng galit sa mundo, at kung minsan pa nga’y palipasan ng panahon. Wala akong natatanggap na baryang kabayaran. Marahil, sa ganitong, pananaw, pinuputa ko din ang mga gumagamit sa akin. Dahil ang kabayaran kong natatanggap ay mga panandaliang kaligayahan sa piling niya. Marahil nga, lahat tayo ay puta.

i was with this girl at the up fair kanina.. a housemate of mine who'm i like.. we were walking around the fair when she met a group of frat guys she's friends with.. we walk to them and i got left behind.. then imago plays akap.. i walk nearer the stage and into the crowd alone.. i look back and she doesn't notice me.. i gave in to the music and sang in.. then.. i whished silently: she'd girl walk to me and stayi with me there.. but what happened was much more.. "Nagtataka".. she walks to me.. "Simple lang naman sana Ang buhay" she hooks her elbows to mine.. "Kung ika'y matino" she rests her head on my shoulders" then we sing in together: "sabihin sakin ang problema mo.. iingatan ko.. ibaling sakin ang problema mo.. kakayanin ko.." we  finished the song.. natatawa ako while all this happened" we went back to her friends ang got a free ride home.. astig diba!!

i have said too much..

i wouldn't call them lies..

neither would they qualify as truths..

the crux of the matter is i'm sad..

and i'm just waiting for someone to read this blog and take me out of my missery..

i just want to belong..

feel needed..

forever that is..

i want a promise of eternal company..

but alas..

none such exists..

and all i can do is wait..

tangna.. ang drama talaga.. i guess somehow.. i just have to let it out.. i've been trying to look strong and happy for the longest time..  but all this long.. i've been nothing but sad.. i just want to feel secure.. a friend who'd always be here.. with me.. i've been picked-up and left so many times.. i don't know who i am now.. i am a friend of this and that.. was.. all of them has moved along the path of life.. except me.. i lagged behind.. now was it really my choice? i do not know..then again.. why would anyone choose such? it's completely insane to like this feeling.. this feeling like there's no reason for existence.. yet i am here.. looks like i haven't been completely disillusioned yet.. it seems i still hope.. i want to belong to someone.. someone who'd keep me for the rest of eternity.. I AM NOT JUST A SHOULDER YOU CAN CRY ON ANYTIME YOU WANT AND COMPLETELY IGNORE ONCE YOU'RE HAPPY.. i want to cry to.. i am romanticizing my situation.. i know.. i just feel this way.. i am sad..

lately.. i try to be optimistic about the things i see in life.. people dying on the street.. kids dropping out of school.. etc.. and somehow.. i even considered going through most of it.. i think i'm just getting bored with the way things are going for me.. than again.. i'm just not satisfied with the way things are.. i feel that somehow.. i can feel happy living in a life of destition..

 then mike comes along..

he invites me to a leadershi seminar.. something you'd call an application of the 7 habits series.. i turned the invitaion down.. saying.. that i don't want to excell in life.. i have been disillusioned of the meaning of existence.. i even went as far as saying that i just want to go out on the streets and live there.. figured it would be fun and relaxing..

to all that.. this was all he said..

mike: tamad ka lang..

somehow.. yeah.. i guess i'm just lazy.. and all that i claim philosophical is just bluff and justifications for my laziness.. but then again.. where did my drive to exist go? it couldn't have vanished into thin air.. something must have happened to me.. but what? all i know is.. i need to find something or someone.. i don't want to live for myself.. if that's the case.. i'm better off dead..

i think i just dropped a tear.. this is so pathetic..  bvdafil gasfohgerq

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i just feel bad..to belong..

it seems too much to ask..